#1431: Dave Buehner

It’s hard to talk about Dave Buehner without talking about Kevin Swanson, his partner in crime. And since Swanson is clearly the, uh, dominant part in their relationship, we were tempted to just mention Buehner in our upcoming post on Swanson. On the other hand it’s hard to defend the usefulness of an Encyclopedia of loons that didn’t have an entry on Buehner, so here we go.

Let’s start easy, with Buehner’s views on homosexuality (“flesh eating virus” and “sores” with “happy faces carved into them”). On a broadcast of Generations Radio Buehner warned that God “hates homosexuals” just as a father would hate having his daughter put her hand on a hot stove, and homosexuality will reap divine punishment just as a hot stove will burn someone’s hand: “If we put our hands on the stove, we’ll get burned,” Buehner said, and “if we embrace homosexuality, we’ll destroy society, we’ll destroy lives, we’ll destroy families, we’ll destroy everything.” Earlier, he compared making gay friends to befriending cannibals and likened gay marriage to the Sandy Hook shooting, which is a totally reasonable thing to do. (He’s not that strong on spelling out the actual mechanisms for the causal relations he posits, or the details of his analogies, but never mind.)

He has also urged legislators to “remove homosexuals from society, saying they’ll also pay the price at the golden gates if they don’t fall in line.” And “God’s law to the civil magistrate in terms of homosexuality says you should remove the abomination from the land, so that’s God’s instruction to the people who work up in the capitol who make our laws. That’s what they’re going to be held accountable for.” (Note that the idea of having any government form short of strict theocracy isn’t even on Buehner’s radar). He also expressed support for the Ugandan “kill the gays” bill and laws from the pilgrim era that criminalized homosexuality (they must be punished in all ways possible – Buehner and Swanson actually suggest stoning (and wondered why the 2014 Rose Bowl parade didn’t include a float with a gay person being stoned to death) – in the name of freedom just as God will punish America in the name of freedom). To Colorado legislators he argued that recognizing civil unions would make Colorado worse than North Korea, but he didn’t go into detail, and given his views on how society should function elsewhere one wonders precisely what aspect of North Korean government he finds objectionable. (You can probably guess the answer, and it is probably not totalitarianism.) Here Buehner and Swanson explain why some people become gay.

People had various reactions to Obama’s 2012 reelection. According to Buehner (with Swanson), it “solidified our doom.” They also said that Obama doesn’t have a mandate, he has a “womandate” because men didn’t vote for him (which presumably means that his presidency is illegitimate since women don’t count). Oh, and he’s also just like the North Korean dictator, just so. And yes, these people are for reals.

And the misogyny is very much representative. Buehner has earlier argued that women ought only be legally allowed to work for their husbands as the Bible commands. Single women, on the other hand, are owned by theirfathers, and have no rights (new gonorrhea strains are being sent by God to punish America to underline this, by the way). Dimly aware that some may disagree, Buehner has also tried to preempt the obvious responses by discussing feminism (with Swanson), concluding that there are “two forms of feminism.” There are “cute” feminists like Sarah Palin who will find jobs in the “marketplace” and “get themselves a husband” but will “never submit to the husband, in fact they will use their power probably to make their husband submit to them.” (Yes, Palin is Satan’s whore: A hot, arch-liberal champion of equality and communism.) Then, there are the “ugly” feminists whose “lack of attractiveness has not given them access to the power that they wanted in the marketplace.” These “attractively challenged” feminists will only find careers in academia [the Pharisees!] and in government agencies, for instance: “you can run the EPA.” What all these feminists have in common, though, is that “all of them want to be free from the family” and together with “the homosexuals” they are “destroying society.” This conclusion led Buehner to speculate that in the future, feminism will be remembered as “a time in which women lost the love of their children” and “decided to become selfish, narcissistic, family-destroying whores.” Girl scout cookies are evil, “big, black magic” as well, for the same reason I don’t know what to call it.

And the boy scouts? They will soon have merit badges for “sodomy” and “cannibalism”, Buehner and Swanson predict.

A highlight of his career may still be his discussion (once again with Swanson) in the wake of Desmond Tutu’s remark that he would rather go to hell than “a homophobic heaven.” B&S concluded, predictably, that Tutu “hates Jesus”, but added, referring to the famous Christ the Redeemer statue that towers over Rio de Janeiro, that “he’s probably good with Jesús, the drug lord from Bolivia, or the big drug lord from Rio De Janeiro that’s got his hands out, remember that guy?” And Tutu’s remark certainly proves that the pope is the head of the gay agenda since he wears a dress. No, these guys are serious. Not poes.

Diagnosis: Yup, he’s vying for the title of most extreme, hatefully bigoted wingnut on the Internet. Even the Phelpses struggle to out-hate this guy, and probably falls short on hysterically incoherent mindrot as well. A feat indeed.