Monday, May 23, 2011

#206: Alan Keyes

Alan Keyes is a conservative speaker and activist who has run for President and the Senate numerous times (always losing, thankfully – in 2008 he ran with Wiley Drake). He is most famous for being clinically insane, completely ignorant and pathologically intellectually dishonest. More about his career can be found here and here. He used to try to run on a Republican ticket, but after 2008 ran with the Constitution part - but since they supported Chuck Baldwin he started his own party, the Independence Party.

He is insanely anti-gay, actually arguing that gay people cannot have sex (they are rather “mutual pursuit of pleasure through the stimulation of the organs intended for procreation, but it has nothing to do with sexuality because they are of the same sex. And with respect to them, the sexual difference does not exist. They are therefore not having sexual relations”). When Keyes’s own daughter came out as homosexual, she was promptly disowned.

He is a strong champion of gun rights, coming up with reassuring claims such as “gun owners are pro life and their guns are to defend the lives of the unborn” (see also this). He has also claimed that downturns in the economy prove that God is angry with legalized abortion.

Keyes is also a staunch supporter of teaching Biblical creationism in public schools, and he supports mandatory prayer and faith initiatives – as long as they are not Jewish, since Jewish (as opposed to Christian) initiatives promote enmity and hatred (see also this). He is also a firm believer in theocracy and the religious foundation of the U.S. - in the sense of Gary Bauer, Gary DeMar, Gary North and David Barton (who should apparently change his name to “Gary” as well). See also this.

In November 2008 Keyes (and Markham Robinson) filed a lawsuit against the California Secretary of State, then-President-elect Barack Obama, then-Vice President-elect Joe Biden, and California's 55 Democratic electors, seeking to challenge Obama's eligibility for the US Presidency (though Keyes didn’t like McCain either). The suit requests that Obama provide documentation that he is a natural born citizen of the United States. Following Obama's inauguration, Keyes denied he had been constitutionally inaugurated, refused to call him President, and called him a "usurper" and a "radical communist". He has even resorted to civil disobedience over the matter (though refusing to call it “civil disobedience, since he doesn’t believe in that). Keyes is thus one of the most central idiots of the birther movement. He has also been affiliated with the Christian Exodus independence movement.

Keyes also made a rather unflattering appearance in Borat.

Diagnosis: Blatheringly moronic fundamentalist and rabid clown. He has some die-hard followers, but even the more extreme Republican wingnuts often find that they have to distance themselves from him.


  1. See Keyes take on Palin here; and see him trying to distinguish "freedom" and "liberty" here. Still, nothing beats this.

  2. Aww, seems like his most recent birther suit had to bite the dust.

  3. And he even claims that Santorum's candidacy in the 2012 primaries were just a conspiracy to help Romney. Seriously.

  4. Alan Keyes tries to make sense in the only manner in which Alan Keyes can make sense, which is none.

  5. Another great Keyes rant.

    And here is Keyes laying out his theocratic vision. Though according to Keyes it is of course a "semi-psychotic" Obama who is trying to establish totalitarian communism because, well, Keyes cannot really imagine any other form of government than totalitarianism, and if you don't want his brand of totalitarianism (theocracy), then, well, you must be a godless, Muslim, atheist, liberal, secular, extremist communism.

    He doesn't fancy marriage equality either, and thinks that gay rights will undo the laws against rape, incest and pedophilia. Why that would follow is less clear, but Keyes would never forgo an opportunity to give you a slippery slope. He also thinks that gay rights are incompatible with the Constitution, but that is because he doesn't have the dimmest idea about what the Constitution actually says and that what it does, indeed, say aligns rather poorly with his recommended dominionist totalitarianism.

  6. Keyes continues, as expected, to try to consecutively top his previous insanity on gay marriage. He argues, for instance, that marriage equality is the archetype of all crimes against humanity. Take that, genocide.

    The argument goes a bit further than his claim that Satan is using gays on TV to destroy America (or perhaps not), and is more in the ballpark of his argument that gay marriage will lead to communism and mass murder. The causal mechanism is apparently left at an intuitive level.

    Here he argues that gays just don't have the right to marry, just as he does "not have the right to pick his nose and eat the boogers", clearly oblivious to the fact that he does, indeed, have that right. What the argument shows, however, is Keyes's inability to distinguish between claims to the effect that "you don't have a right to X" and "I don't fancy X", or - more bluntly - "you don't have the right to do anything I don't like."

    We already suspected that Keyes lacked the ability to draw that distinction, however.

  7. And he continues his bizarre way of being in the world. He has, for instance, pointed out that the US may be preparing military forces to do violence against Christian denominations (also here). Obama is also pushing slaughter of African-Americans.

    He has also pointed out that giving condoms to kids is like a game of Russian roulette. Indeed, Keyes has some problems with all things sexual - but only other people's sexuality, of course, such as the sexual inclinations of boy scout leaders. According to Keyes, gay boy scouts will force other scouts to be gay, since that is exactly how things work.

    I have no words for this, however.

  8. Here he shows that Obama is working with terrorists to introduce martial law.

  9. Keyes's response to the Boy Scouts of America's decision to lift the ban on openly gay scouts (gay boy scouts will force other scouts to be gay) made to Rightwingwatch's Top Five Religious Right Claims concerning alleged consequences of this policy change. He later elaborated, claiming that including gays in the boy scouts encourages scouts to join gangs, use drugs, and beat up people. "How?" is left unanswered of course.

    Keyes also believes the fringe group “Overpasses for Obama’s Impeachment” represents a popular wave that will elect congressmen committed to impeaching and removing both President Obama and Vice President Biden. More evidence that Keyes just believes what he wants to believe regardless of what evidence says - though none were strictly speaking needed in this case. Impeachment might work, though, since "Muslim Obama" himself knows he shouldn't be president. Because he is Muslim. And Muslims can't be president.

  10. Keyes with Gohmert; hilarity and horror ensues. Here is a report on yet another attempt from Keyes at explaining how he sees the world.

  11. According to Keyes, gay marriage is a social weapon of mass destruction, and we (he) need to rebel against marriage equality as it harms straight people and leads to the demise of the nation (apparently you are just supposed to intuit the causal connection). Keyes also responded negatively to Obama's recent comments on pot, and never one to avoid a chance to take hyperbole as far into wingnut idiocy as it is possible to get, claimed that the comments made Obama just like the 9/11 hijackers (also here). So Obama needs to be overthrown. And who does Keyes call on to do that? Well, Keyes is kind enough to remind us that at least Jesus can get Obama impeached.