Tuesday, November 3, 2015

#1509: Candace Czarny

Feng Shui is a silly mess of “energy medicine”, qi flow, the Law of Attraction and other woo, and its advocates claim that it is based not only on the “forms” of nature but on the stars and the magnetic compass. “It’s all about energy, the flow of energy and how it enhances or detracts from your life.” Like The Secret and the powers of televangelism, appeals to nature, subtle forces and ancient wisdom. And it can bring you success, harmony and cures for whatever problems of diseases you may have or imagine that you have.

According to Feng Shui “expert” Candace Czarny the blessings of star magic is not only a matter of rearranging your furniture. You can also apply the principles of Feng Shui to your cells, using what she sells under the name of Cell Balancers. These will help you “clear blocked energy patterns from your body and mind, activate greater focus and clarity, enhance your energy flow, activate your higher potential, activate deeper wisdom and bypass years of learning, cultivate a felt-sense of peace, aliveness, spiritual awareness, well-being and integration”, and – best of all, “gently and effectively align your cells with your future self’s positive blueprint.” Saying that with a straight face takes some skill.

There even seems to multiple versions of the Cell Balancer (“this precision-tuned miracle of cosmic technology”), but they all work by putting your fingers on them to “experience a Felt Sense of Cellular balance. You’re an ‘in circuit’ with the transformational energies. Spiritual healing patterns of transformation flow through your energy pathways, directly into the spiritual cells of the body. The Cell-Balancer transmutes negative energy-patterns trapped in your energy-body that confine, limit or distort your true self. As you release the energy distortions, you are freed to access your true essence.

Then there are the Activator Disk, the Neutral Space Plate, and the Portal, which apparently “speak[s]” the language of vibration and work like a tuning fork, “spontaneously encouraging another tuning fork (you) to resonate with the divine source (Universe, God, Creator).” Most interestingly, these products were apparently developed by one Joel Bruce Wallach – despite the middle initial, I can’t help but suspect some obvious connection to this guy. To support her claims she has testimonials from Feng Shui fans who “felt more alert and energized” when using her products.

Diagnosis: We find it pretty hard to believe that Czarny really thinks she is helping people, but perhaps it is just a matter of our limited powers of imagination due to the fact that we haven’t activated our “deeper wisdom” and accordingly fail “to resonate with the divine source.” 


  1. After reading this, my tuning fork went completely limp, I feel
    less alert and have less energy. I rearranged my furniture and not only am I exhausted, I injured my back. And I can't find my favorite chair. I tried the Law of attraction and now farm animals turn me on. But my limp tuning fork...oh, well. Then
    I released my energy distortions and freed my access to my true essence which, to my dismay, showed me to be a
    total asshole. I think I'll just go have a beer!

  2. She forgot to mention the Feng Shui Cellular Balancers will let you leap tall buildings in a single bound, become faster then a speeding bullet, make you more powerful then a locomotive, help you balance your checkbook on the first try, turn you into an all-round nice person, clear up your acne, straighten your teeth, freshen your breath, and make your dishes sparkle!