Monday, February 18, 2013

#428: Bernarr Zovluck


Bernarr Zovluck is something of a legend in the extreme conspiracy-, self-help- and woo corners of the internet (his name seems to pop up frequently on vegan bodybuilding sites), and apparently a friend of Dennis Knicely. Zovluck runs the organization God Healing Inc. and the website healself, providing advice on how to heal yourself of anything from AIDS to deafness to injuries by accidents to sick animals and everything in between. The advice usually consists of a brief description of the ailment, followed by spamlike rants involving variations and repetitions of (this one’s for AIDS): “WHEN YOU EXCESSIVELY ABUSE YOUR BODY & DEVELOP AIDS/HIV, YOUR INHERENT INTELLIGENCE, YOUR GOD WITHIN, TO HELP HEAL YOU, DOES THE RIGHT THING. YOUR GOD WITHIN, TO HELP HEAL YOU, CAUSES YOU TO WATER FAST, I.E., TO PHYSIOLOGICALLY REST.” (Capitalization in the original). This prescription should be followed by “feeling meditation”: LISTENING TO YOUR INHERENT INTELLIGENCE, YOUR GOD WITHIN. WITH "FEELING MEDITATION", YOUR INHERENT INTELLIGENCE, WILL IMMEDIATELY HELP YOU HEAL YOUR AIDS/HIV”. In fact, all you need to do is to utter “I AM PERFECT & HEALTHY. MYAIDS/HIV IS HEALED. THIS IS TRUE PRAYER”. Bang, you’re done.

Auxilliary advice include “BIBLE SAYS "LAY YOUR HANDS ON THE SICK AND THEY SHALL BE HEALED"” – according to Zovluck “Laying on of hands”, that is “healing AIDS/HIV by touching with your hands”, “has been used since ancient times, to help heal yourself & other human beings, of AIDS/HIV” – and “eat a constructively beneficial diet to help you heal your AIDS/HIV & to help prevent you ever developing AIDS/HIV”. He also has a detoxification program for HIV and plenty of godbotting, in addition to oft-repeated advice to stay away from prescription drugs and doctors.

Interestingly, his suggestions for treating ACNE are curiously similar. Under “Bacterial infections”, however, Zovluck explains that "Infection ... is a body-cleaning process for a body burdened with toxic materials;” that is, all bacteria are beneficial to your health (unless they are poisioned and corrupted by the toxins already in our body), and actually help you get rid of toxins.

Zovluck presents himself thusly: “DR. BERNARR IS THE ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY ON FASTING. DR. BERNARR IS PROBABLY THE ONLY TEACHER/PRACTITIONER TODAY, WHO THOROUGHLY UNDERSTANDS NATURAL HYGIENE.& FASTING”. Another self-presentation involves some rather random claims: “When having sex, practice injaculation, i.e. orgasms without enervating ejaculations! No masturbation. Am retired chiropractor, natural hygiene practitioner and minister and expert of all religious denominations. Am a guru! Have successfully helped over 100,000 people. Have successfully supervised the water fasting of 1,000's of people. All therapies are contraindicated and do not work! Just close my eyes and completely trust and surrender to the God within. Every cell of our bodies has been going through this for billions of years of evolution. Each cell of our ancestors bodies has already learned to successfully cope with, optimumly adapt to and resolve all kinds of stresses, to which we have ever been subjected. If the God within can not heal our distresses, nothing and nobody else can. Nobody and nothing can heal us but ourselves.”

Diagnosis: Don’t take your health advice from this guy.

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