Monday, October 26, 2015

#1502: Ellie Crystal

Ah, the freedom of having a mind unencumbered by reason, evidence or accountability. Ellie Crystal – shall we wager that “Crystal” is not her birth name? – has one of those. Crystal is what is perhaps best described as a New Age mystic – officially she’s at least a psychic and a reiki master – and she is probably most notable for her appearance  on The Daily Show segment “Evolution, Schmevolution” back in the days.

Her website is here, and it is really a sight to behold (not for its aesthetic qualities, though); according to herself, Crystalinks is “perhaps the largest, most comprehensive and ambitious metaphysical and science website on the Internet today”.

Apparently Crystal “developed her abundant, intuitive and natural psychic abilities” at a young age: “At age eleven, Ellie experienced an otherworldly encounter that abruptly changed her life and shaped her future. In the Nevada desert, a spirit named Zoroaster, lovingly called Z, appeared to her. He became part of Ellie’s daily life, bringing her to a destiny set in motion from the beginning.” She also claims to have a “PhD in Metaphysical Studies,” though it is not a PhD in metaphysics but a diploma in nonsense from (presumably) some unaccredited drivel. She has, however, managed to gain herself some TV appearances – in addition to the Daily Show one – and apparently John Edward is a fan, which is something that ordinary reasonable people would be wary of bragging about.

And her website really has everything. Some of her articles starts out with reasonable descriptions of scientific or historical fact, but if you look just a bit more closely you’ll suddenly catch yourself reading things like “Atlantis is part of the consciousness hologram of reality.” Wait, what? Let Ellie Crystal explain: “Many physical events are going to happen in the years ahead that will parallel the fall of Atlantis as the myths of each creation run by the same geometric design. Reality, all realities, are sets of multidimensional grid programs running simultaneously in which we consciously experience. Atlantis is one such program. When one begins to look for answers beyond the physical, Atlantis is often felt as a connection. It can be viewed as a chip implanted in the grid of our reality that connects for someone who taps into its frequency.” Yes, she also does her own research, and that’s an example of the kind of results she arrives at. “Discoveries emerging from Egypt, describe the existence of a world wide pyramid temple system in prehistory, mounted like antennae on key energy meridians, which were employed by ancient priest-scientists as harmonic tuning forks to stabilize the tectonic plates of the planet’s cataclysmic geology. […] the ancient Jedai priests used the Language of Light to tune the planet like a giant harmonic bell. Much is being rediscovered in the last days of this time cycle.” So there you go. I won’t bother to link to her stuff on UFOs, crystal skulls, healing, OOParts, astrology, the hollow earth or other examples of the fantastic richness of crazy on Ellie Crystal’s website. She usually has her own take on these things, but you probably have an idea about what her interpretations are like (The Mayan Calendar predictions for 2012 should help us realize that “reality is a consciousness hologram”, anyone?)

She has, however, made a remarkably accurate prediction about 9/11, which has apparently impressed some of her readers. The Wayback Machine lists February 6, 2005, as the first instance of her page of predictions for 2001, however, which makes it all a bit less impressive. She did, though, post her predictions for 2005 at the same time. They were notoriously vaguer, but could at least tell us that “hurricane season will be bad but nothing like 2004.” Not all Katrina victims would be fully ready to agree with that.

Diagnosis: “Thank you for inquiring about a psychic reading. If you have been guided to this page, something in your soul is telling you that information will be given that you need to hear […] Sessions are one hour with a fee of $160 USD.” More expensive than a traveling circus, but traveling circuses usually don’t have installments about harmonic bells from holograms of Atlantis. You decide.


  1. In her defense I would like to pint out she believes the universe is a computer simulation, in science this is called the simulation hypothesis, and is taking very seriously. What makes Ellie Crystal's version of this theory different is talking about Parallel universe or rather parallel programs running at the same time.basically she asks us to imagine the universe as one of many computer programs.

  2. Dude, you've spent seven years obsessively cataloguing hundreds upon hundreds of people that you say are loons. I think it's time to include your self in this archive of nutcakery.

  3. I agree with M D. Add yourself. And me too ;-)

  4. Yes, include yourself. And me too ;-)

  5. Can i become a loon i believe that plants hsve consciousness and they also are connected to energy beyond our planet. I am happy about their commitment to human nutrition i do so much enjoy eating them